Four Letter Words

I wanted to go home, to you, to that bed we never want to leave, today. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up or if I even should. Even you tell me this is bad. You can see the nightmare that comes next while I am still so caught up in the mirage. You tell me I glow when I see you.

I FUCKING GLOW.

What the hell? I am so angry! I am angry at myself for letting you in, for letting this get this far, for letting this be no different from every other time. I am angry at the way the world works. Here I am, fully ready to love someone, to make every day about making them smile, and it hands me a guy that has to walk away. Really? After you tell me you have feelings for me?

Don’t you know silly boy that saying frivolous things like that only makes my heart melt?

It is far easier to pretend like I am utterly un-phased when you are doing the same, so why you would break pattern and admit something like that is beyond what I can reason. Every single tender moment is like a knife to a heart I thought had mended. You are different and the same from every other man, but I woke up this morning knowing in my very toes that I could fall in love with you.

If you asked me, I would.

I am terrified two months is too long, yet too short to let you in and let you go in what will most likely be at the very same moment. Don’t ask me to go back; because, Honey, it’s a one way ride. Just be sure you understand that no matter how many times I bat my eyes and promise I can handle this, I will never stop wanting more with the full knowledge that it is entirely impossible.

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